See. They're both winners.

In a Japanese learners forum I go to, there are people here and there that have passed JLPT N1 in 2-3 years; people who have flawless Japanese accents, people who can operate in Japanese with no problem.

I’ve also been studying for about 2 and a half years. I’m going for my N2; my conversation skills are marginal at best, I still struggle to understand a lot of listening, podcasts and what not. Novels are still difficult to understand; I can read magazine articles only if I understand the original material.

Of course, it’s easy to discourage, or think that there are real geniuses out there, or that I’m not doing it right and that I’ll never get there, etc.

But… when I truly think about it, my pace is my pace, and my goals are my goals. It’s also not fair to measure things in terms of time spent on Earth, but rather, total time spent on studying. I mean, to be honest, conversation is actually really low on my priority list when it comes to Japanese; most of my interests are not social interests and there is a question of whether I’ll really be able to use it in my career. I am really just content to use it for entertainment purposes, in which understanding written and oral is more important than writing and speaking.

To be fair, I’m a full-time worker and I do have other hobbies; so keeping up my pace up to this level has been difficult as it is. Most of the quick learners are university/high school students, or have had the benefit of studying or even working in Japan while improving their skills. Man, if only I knew about these techniques when I didn’t have a job… I’d probably be fluent by now!

But seriously, things like this will happen. It’s inevitable. People have more time than you, or rather, they can put in more time than you. Or maybe they just will put in more time than you. But the important thing to remember is to keep at what you’re doing, don’t get too caught up in comparing yourself with other people. Whether you’re slower or faster, just remember to work and a steady pace and keep your own goals in mind. The important thing is that you get there.

I always hated geometry. I got a B+ because I lost my calculator and tried to solve everything by hand.

One day I was at my computer, playing Starcraft 2 and playing a long string of games. I won a few, I lost a few. My cousin Marco was visiting at the time, and he watched me play a couple games. Then he noticed something.

“Joe, why do you play this game? If you lose, you seem angry, but even if you win you don’t seem happy. I don’t understand.”

I dwelled on that question for a bit, before answering with this:

“I don’t know. It’s something to do.”

To this day, I’ve been playing Starcraft 2 on and off, always in these messy 3v3 games which seem to have purely random results based on which teammates you’re matched up with. It’s been in sharp contrast with what I’ve been following; not the Starcraft 2 scene, but the original Starcraft Brood War 1v1 scene in Korea… one of the most brutal and competitive gaming scenes in the world, where you and only you are responsible for your results. I played Starcraft 2 while I secretly longed to play Starcraft BW, and I never felt entirely good about it. I continued to rationalize my decision.

“I play Starcraft 2 because I can win, but Brood War is impossible to win because everyone is so good.”

But now… that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I did something that I didn’t like to get a reward that had nothing to do with what I really wanted. Yet, I continued and pressed on.

It’s my belief now that this sort of “I dislike it, but I do it anyway”-attitude is what sent me into a spiral of negativity. When people ask me what kind of person I am, I can’t respond properly, because every thing I do ends with a “but” or a “however.” In other words, I’m a pile of contradiction walking around. How can you have faith in something like that?

The biggest culprit, of course, is my job. For years now, I’ve made it no secret that I’ve been unhappy. It’s just not working out for me. I’ve found more than enough justification to move on, but instead of actively doing something to get out of it, I just sat there and twiddled my thumbs and complained. It wasn’t good. It still isn’t good. And I really believe that that is the biggest culprit to my lack of happiness and energy; I just lost the will. Even when I futzed around with my hobbies, there was always that thing in the back of my head that said, “Sure you’re having fun now… but you still have to go back to work.”

After reading the book Drive: What Motivates Us, I began to understand the source of my unhappiness. Without being inspired or challenged at my job, I would spiral down a path of self-destruction, taking up things I don’t like and resenting every moment. That’s not the way I should live my life, and I really believe that unconsciously, my friends noticed that and are now no longer my friends. This path of incongruent behavior, of not doing what I like, of not being proud of what I do, is why nothing has ever come together for me.

But of course, I’m still young. I can still change. The faster I can match my desires to my actions, the better.

And so, I stopped playing Starcraft 2, and started having fun with Brood War, as well as put out my resume…

筋肉じゃなくて、心にも。Not just muscles, but the soul as well.

I’ve been having a great time in Vancouver with my cousins and my Aunt and Uncle. My uncle took care of me when I was a baby, up until I was 6 years old. I still have fond memories of random things, like how he would only give me one scoop of ice cream and he wouldn’t give me another one until I finished that one scoop. He would always take me to Burger King, and I would call it “Bunyan Ying” or something like that.

21 years later, we’ve obviously changed, and it feels nice to be able to talk to both my cousins and my uncle. My uncle was and is still into martial arts, and today he showed me a small movie called “Kali means to scrape”.

It was a fairly simple low-budget movie, but I became impressed with the spirituality and how strength lies not in your muscles, but in your heart. They talk about how guys with Machetes/Bolo knives would attack a single person, and he would fight back with his martial arts.

A lot of people think that my studies of the Japanese language and culture means that I want to become Japanese, my relatives included. That is incorrect. My studies are leading me into an appreciation of culture, whether it’s American, Filipino, or Japanese, whether it’s past or present, whether it’s rich or poor. When a person, a people, a society does something different, I always ask why they chose to do that way. I look into that, and from that I feel like I can choose the better way to live and express life.

I’ve always felt that there are personalities out there that are strong. No matter what the culture, whether it calls for physical or mental strength, there are personalities that are powerful and can always succeed. I’m finding that success lies not in the cars they drive and the mansions they live in, but that there’s just a mentality that they possess. You can even see weakness among the rich, and a strength among the poor.

I look at my uncle and his house, and I’m amazed. They live a modest life, but there’s a certain happiness that perpetuates throughout this house. I see it as my uncle proudly shows me a room under construction. I see it as my aunt makes fun of my cousin and teases him relentlessly. I see it when my cousins fight in that way that only kids fight, yet knowingly care for each other.

As I look at my life, I feel like there’s so much I’ve given up on. There’s a lot of things I say, but haven’t yet converted on and so I live with this sort of misery, this sort of weakness that I haven’t been able to shake off yet. A feeling that I want to be great, but am repeatedly putting things in my way to prevent me from getting there. Constant excuses. A feeling of “I want something, but there’s something in the way of me getting there, and eventually I’ll get rid of it.” With this path, I don’t feel like I can be strong. Instead of controlling life, I’m letting it control me.

I don’t want this anymore.

I’m going to change it this time.

For sure.

Do I have to make a complete stop or can I just roll through it?

I decided to build a home gym. At first it wasn’t an option, because there was so much money involved and I wasn’t sure I’d have space. But with my tax refund, I could afford it. And I convinced my family to clean the garage so I have a space to put it. I ordered all the gear and it’s on the way, and I’m really looking forward to it.

The reason why I am, is because I built in so many excuses for not going to the commercial gym. I have to drive 10 minutes (or when I trained in Hermosa, I had to drive 20 minutes one-way). I hate the equipment, because the plates aren’t round, there’s no bumpers, the barbell has crap for knurling. I hate waiting for the equipment, so I have to go after 9pm otherwise it’ll take forever, etc. etc.

Eventually I just stopped going to the gym, because I’d always have these excuses. Now that I have a gym, I don’t have these excuses anymore. It’s going to be awesome..

(Owning my own gym will actually also save me a lot of money in the end, with gas prices and membership fees, so I don’t feel too bad about the money at all).

When I think about it, that’s also how I approached Japanese, and it’s gotten me pretty far as well. I bought grammar dictionaries beyond my comprehension and made sure I always had something to study or refer to, so if I ever read anything I have everything I need. I have books that I will study in the future, so I can’t just say “Oh, well, I don’t have the book so I can’t study.” Everything is planned ahead so that I don’t have any excuse for not doing it.

That same attitude also helped me clean the garage. I tried to do it by myself, but there was so much stuff that wasn’t mine. When I told my parents to clean it out they’d say it someone else’s stuff.

Well seriously, eff that.

I collected everybody and said, listen, let’s clean it out. I don’t want any excuses, so everybody will be here and we can all throw out what we don’t need. And it worked. We’re done. It’s great.

So that’s something I’ve learned. Eliminate all your excuses no matter the cost, and you’ll find yourself accomplishing more than you thought possible.

Feels a bit like this...

I completed Kanji Odyssey 2001, which means I’ve added 1110 kanji to my vocabulary. I felt good. This is something I’ve worked on for at least a year, and I’m reaping the benefits in that I’m able to roughly read a lot of random Japanese that I find… from websites to books to magazines.  In terms of Japanese, I finally feel good that I’ve made some legitimate progress that I can check myself against. There are still some deficiencies… quite a lot actually, especially in terms of listening. But at that moment, I felt the feelings of relief of having finally completed a project that’s taken me a long time. Especially as I’m prone to give up a lot of my hobbies, coming this far meant a lot.

I originally began learning Japanese as a sort of fulfillment to my childhood / teenage dream. When I was a kid, I always wanted to play games in Japanese. When I was a teenager, I wanted to watch anime in Japanese. As I’ve grown older and out of the hobby, those were no longer my reasons, but rather the fulfillment of a dream that I had long ago. However, I also thought I would be able to turn it into a legitimate job skill, something to actually be used and benefit my life.

One of my coworkers left to pursue another job opportunity. I had lunch with her recently, and she was happy, enormously and unexpectedly happy. She was telling me about her new job and how it was so much better and offered so much more, in terms of personal and professional growth. I reflected on my life and realized that yes, it’s not leading anywhere. I can stay stuck there, under poor leadership that stunts my growth… or I can pursue something that leads me to what I really want.

What I really want.

I never quite figured that out.

After visiting my cousin who teaches in Japan, I found it something I want to do… not necessarily teach in Japan, but live in another country and experience the culture. Little things like buying groceries, using different appliances, communicating in an all new language were all things that motivated and inspired me. The problem is that teaching in Japan does not give me good opportunities once I come back; I’d be mortgaging my future big time, so I tried to think of what else I can do.

I didn’t do my research until just now, and I was disappointed in what I found out. Many people were disappointed in the “conventional” work place. To some extent even the English teachers were disappointed, and I know my cousin said similar things… “They’re just barely good enough for me not to leave.” I looked up other avenues, like graduate school… but no dice. I’d have to get recommendations for a research scholarship, and that doesn’t look like it’d be happening at all. I don’t know any researchers, haven’t actively participated in anything remotely related to career development, and I feel like I’ve fallen so far out of the loop of professional growth that it’d be very difficult to salvage anything.

But I don’t want to be stuck.

I reached a point where I know my current life is unsatisfying… but what satisfies me? And it’s a question that extends beyond the workplace, but rather my life. I know that one thing I love is having goals and fulfilling them… the problem is, all those goals were spoon fed to me through videogames, and fulfilling these random objectives were what interested me. Now, I’m at a loss, and I feel like it’s increasingly critical that I learn to get myself out of there.

I’ll browse jobs and see things and wonder if they’re really interesting, or if I’ll just be stuck in the same position I’m in now. I wonder if, after I take a job, I’d still be interested in learning more about my field in my free time, or if I’m just delaying.

I have no idea what to do anymore except continue on my path, but even if I do that, I have no idea where I’m going…

It’s strange. I probably have only 4 friends in Japan total, none of in the Touhoku area. I feel that, as far as real and personal bonds go, I have very few. But somehow, this disaster has severely impacted me more than I have expected it to, giving me headaches and stress over the last few days. I also feel guilty, because even through the Indonesian tsunami, the Haiti earthquake, and even Hurricane Katrina, I wasn’t as attached. I still wished I could be deployed to the areas and provide real help, but I did not follow the news as intensely as I have been with the Japan incident.

This feels different… by a lot.

I’ve been studying the language for about a year and a half, and I feel like that experience is why I’m more emotionally involved in this. Through the journey, I met many wonderful people on Lang-8 who have helped me learn Japanese, and who I’ve helped with their English.  I visited the country twice, and as my language ability increased, I was able to better connect with the people who I came across. I shifted a lot of my interests to Japanese ones, including watching dramas and movies, following AKB48, watching Kouhaku, and so on, all with the intent of improving my Japanese. I guess, along the way, I feel like I inherited a little bit of their culture. Of course, there were things I disliked as well, but the more I improved, the more I was able to connect with them and understand how we’re different, as well how we’re the same.

After the earthquake hit, and after checking with my friend Rei and my Lang-8 friends, I thought everything was okay… then the tsunami hit, and the nuclear catastrophe on top of that. I worried, even though my friends and especially Rei maintained a really positive attitude. The AKB48 blogs I read, there was a remarkable change in tone, as it went from silly, emoticon-filled posts to something more grave, and less bright. I resolved earlier to start reading Japanese news articles online to improve my vocabulary, but it became incredibly depressing, really quickly.

Studying Japanese, when I look back on it, has always been fun and fascinating. One thing I concerned myself with is that I was wondering if it would ever be possible to fully express and understand emotions. Through AKB48, I was able to find humor, happiness, I was able to laugh at jokes. I got angry with someone at Lang-8, yelling at them, so I was able to express anger. But this, I never expected this. I never expected to feel true sadness and helplessness. I never expected to be emotionally moved by the stories from Twitter, or from the people on Lang-8 who have been expressing their thanks for merely keeping them in my thoughts while I lament the fact that I can’t do anything more.

This event is definitely taking its toll on me. It’s difficult to study. Even my appetite has been up and down… but, I’m still hoping from the bottom of my heart that they pull through. In the meantime, I’ll try to do all I can… even if all I can do is keep them in my thoughts….

A goal of mine that has long been left by the wayside.

As Marvel vs. Capcom 3 came out, like all fighting games that come out recently, I decided to pick it up and reach a decent level of skill at it.

This always happens.

I’ll take a game, get at a level that makes scrubs jealous but easily killed by good players, then quit. In fact, it happened with SSF4 just recently. It’s not limited to games at all, actually. I still look at my camera the same way, as well as the many other hobbies that I’ve listed here.

However, there IS one exception, and it’s one that I’m really happy to have kept going till now. I’ve been studying Japanese and I’m about to hit the 1000 kanji mark in KO2001, a landmark achievement and something I’m really proud of… especially because of all the hobbies that I’ve given up on, for me to stick with this up until now is amazing.

It did have me wondering… why do I give up on things so easily?

A lot of it may have to do with how I was raised. Earlier this year, I got in a debate on Facebook with a friend regarding Amy Chua’s excerpt in the Wall Street Journal. I was trying to make a case that developing independent awareness and pursuing your own glory for yourself is the way to success for a child, and that parents shouldn’t have to encourage their child for their child to do well.

I reflected on that, and thought of my own experiences… and it feels like I haven’t been encouraged at all. In fact, quite the opposite.

My dad ALWAYS mocks me for things that I do. I hear stupid things like “I can get to your Japanese level if I study for a month!” which undermines my capability. He always wants to open his mouth and give advice even when he’s not qualified. When I fail, it is because I didn’t listen to his advice. When I succeed, it is ONLY because I listened to his advice and not through anything of my own volition. To this day I’m still made fun of for failed goals. “Hey I thought you said you wanted to be a bartender? What happened to that? HAHAHAHA.”

My mom is actually a very nice person, but when it comes to me doing things like cooking, she’ll usually just take over and not allow me to do it myself. Maybe she doesn’t want to waste ingredients or whatever, but it’s actually stunting my growth. Thankfully, for things she has no idea how to help, she just leaves me alone and she does compliment me when I do well.

When it comes to my friends, I tend to take on the personality of the clumsy, always-ready-to-fail person. I lived with it for so long, that perhaps this is why I don’t think I deserve success, and that I fear it because I believe my friends that I’m absolutely hopeless. I don’t have many friends now, but that’s a different story. =)

So now, with Japanese, that I’ve come so far and am still improving, I’m very proud of it. I really want to tell the world about it, that I’ve gotten so far by my own doing, that I haven’t given up yet, and despite my past history and my negative influences, I’m still pushing onward and giving it all I’ve got. Furthermore, its something that came entirely from me; I had no outside influence that told me to learn it… this is something that came from within.

As for Marvel vs. Capcom 3, I spoke to one of my friends about it.

“Yeah, I’m not sure if I should get it. I always pick up these kinds of games and get really average it and then just quit, so I don’t know if I’ll stick with it for long.”

“Yo man, if that’s what fun for you, then why you gotta doubt yourself? Just do what you wanna do.”

So I picked it up and am enjoying myself, even if I don’t have aspirations of being the EVO champion. I don’t have to be a pro at everything I touch, and finding out what I want to become really good at is a journey in itself. =)

My project for this year! Moshidora!

I’ve always wanted to read a novel in Japanese. Not just a manga, a novel. A book with nothing but words, something for me to decipher for myself, with no hints in the form of pictures or context. If I can enjoy myself in an entirely different language like that, I’d feel like I made it. Just absolutely and completely made it. Mission accomplished.

A long time ago, maybe 8 years ago, my friend Mike went to Japan on vacation. I asked him to get me a children’s book as a gift, and he returned with The Lion King in Japanese. To this day, I still keep it around, because it serves as motivation for me… to one day be able to understand it. It’s not exactly the children’s book I wanted (I was looking for something more like “This is Bob. Bob runs hard. Look at Bob run.” kinda stuff) but it’s funny how it just always comes back to me.

I’d been hearing about how “Moshi, Koukou Yakyuu Joshi Maneejaa ga Dorakka no [Manejimento] wo Yondara” or  “Moshidora” for short was the best-selling novel in Japan last year, selling over 2 million. (“If the female high school baseball manager read Peter Drucker’s “Management” book.”) The topic seemed easy, and it was super popular, so I wondered if it was something I could feasibly read with my skills. I looked at the first couple pages and gasped. I understand this! There’s only 2 or 3 parts with kanji I don’t understand so far! I was thrilled, and I picked it up. My hopes were slowly dashed as I read more and it got much more complicated, but I’m determined to get through it.

It seems like every time I pick up the book, I feel a tinge of excitement. “I can do this! I’m getting there! I can make it!” But… there’s also that feeling of doubt, that I don’t deserve it quite yet, that my level can’t hack it, a nervousness that kinda makes me struggle to just open the book and start reading.

—-

Even after a year and a half of studying Japanese, viewing Japanese websites is still daunting to me. I might be able to pick out like 60% of the words on a good day, but I get this certain kind of nervousness. “Do you REALLY understand it?” my consciousness would ask. I’d always feel unnerved, especially having Japanese friends that could probably understand it easily and who would jokingly tease me if I got it wrong.

I still remember during my last trip to Japan, every time I had to speak Japanese, a smile would creep across my face. “I’m doing this, I can’t believe it, is it right? It’s kinda like I’m living a dream,” is what the expression on my face would say. I knew there was no way out, no possible way to default to English, because they just didn’t understand it, so it just felt… great. At the same time, I was nervous. Do I deserve this success? IS this success?

I don’t know why that always happens to me, the nervousness of being successful. Do I fear it? Do I feel like I don’t deserve it? To be sure, it’s happened many many times, in different times. For example, I was so successful the first time I dated a girl that I freaked out and stopped calling her and started avoiding her, and I haven’t been on a date since.

What is it about success that causes me to be scared and nervous?

Either way, perhaps by finishing this book, I can finally conquer that feeling once and for all.

AKB48: My motivation for studying Japanese

After losing my gym partner, it’s been insanely difficult getting the drive to go the gym consistently. I don’t feel any real motivation anymore. Before I had a gym partner, my motivation was to see my numbers go up in terms of lifting. However, I hit a stall point and after getting a buddy to go work out with, my motivation simply became just to keep up with him.

Now it’s troublesome to find that motivation again, and I’m totally suffering from it. I’d say my old 3x a week routine has been reduced to 1x a week if I’m lucky. It’s something I wish I didn’t take half-heartedly. Your motivation might be different. Maybe you want to look good and every compliment you get is motivation. Maybe you like seeing yourself getting slimmer. Maybe the only thing that gets you going is cardio. Whatever it is, keep it up. Hold on to it as best you can, because it’s probably the single hardest thing to keep, and is probably the most valuable as well. Never forget what keeps you going.

For that matter, I’ve actually grown quite tired of Japanese. There’s only two things really motivating me to continue going: the fact that I’ve studied it for so long and don’t want to lose the years I’ve put into it, and … AKB48, a Japanese girl group. I follow them on all their variety shows, purchase their albums, even buy their crappy dating game. Right now it’s the only Japanese thing that entertains me: I’m not into anime anymore, dramas are okay but good ones are  few and far between, manga is whatever, and books are too confusing for me to get into. Could I have chosen something else, probably cheaper, probably with more depth than entertainment? Of course. But understanding AKB48 song lyrics, variety shows, etc. is and what has been motivating me to keep studying Japanese. And from what I’ve learned, it’s something that I can’t afford to let go of right now, given the horrible results of what happened to me last time. So even though it seems silly and embarrassing… it’s what I have. I can’t help it.

Regardless, I guess the main message is to keep at it; even if it seems strange… because motivation is probably the hardest thing to keep.

Remember when motivational posters were more than just internet memes?

In my last post, I wrote about how people would often tell others of their goals to make them more accountable.

I actually did it fairly often, telling people what I wanted to accomplish. I felt like if I told someone “Hey, I’m gonna weight train and become super sexy!” then every future time I saw them, if I wasn’t sexy, the shame would certainly motivate me to get back there. Unfortunately, that’s never worked for me.

My guess is because I shifted my motivation from internal to external. Instead of being driven by my own joy, anger, sadness and struggling through hard times, I become more dependent on the reactions of another person to keep me in line. Part of my happiness comes from their happiness. Part of my shame comes from their disappointment, not my own.

I also feel that internal motivation can be trained, even using external motivation to accomplish it. Perhaps you’ve been doing something for so long, and when someone notices that you are actually quite skilled, you realize what you’ve accomplished and it drives you to become even better. Maybe you wanted to get better at basketball at first so that your friends will like you more, but in the process you discover how much fun it is learn new dribble moves and post moves. Whatever the reason, you should be driven to turn everything into internal motivations as quick as possible.

In another post, I wrote about how having a supportive group (in this case, a workout partner) can cause your results to skyrocket. The thing with a supportive group is that when you lean on them, they have to be able to push you back too and provide your motivation too.

To weight train with this guy, I have to drive an extra 40 minutes in a round trip and delayed changing gyms. I had to constantly critique his form and teach him why it was important, I pushed him to do things he thought he couldn’t do. Without a doubt he’s improved far beyond what he thought he was capable of.

However, I didn’t get much in return. He’d frequently show up late and recently, would skip entirely because of “oversleeping.” He wouldn’t go to the gym if I couldn’t make it because I was on vacation or was out of town. I was never really pushed, pushed to catch up, or taught anything new.

I can deal with that, in fact, I was still pushing myself because I need to keep up my knowledge to make sure I wasn’t breaking anything. However…

The timeliness is something I just can’t stand. Not only do I NOT have support, but I’m being penalized! If I get there early, regardless of what time I start, I’m finishing at the same time because I have to wait for him to do his sets. I’m driving extra time instead of doing better things. (40 minutes in a day? That’s a Japanese study session for me.) I’m sick of it.

I admit there were a few times where I chose not to go the gym because of my over reliance on having a training partner. What was previously an internal motivation became an external motivation and my results suffered accordingly. What was supposed to be supportive became a liability. While I was the person who kept him in the gym, he was the person who kept reminding me that it’s not fun to be there anymore.

Recognizing this, it’s time to go back and do what I do because I love it. Not because someone’s there with me, but because it’s something I’ve always wanted and I have to remember how it was from Day 1.